Reality's Alter Ego

Patience

Be patient. Things will work out eventually. Just gotta be patient. 

This hypocrisy

Makes me sad. 

I know I shouldn’t be one to talk, but nonetheless. It makes me pretty sad.

Funny, yesterday I felt like I could take on the world

yoalankun:

Now I just want to sit alone in a corner.

I know whatchu mean, bro.

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I don’t presume

To ask for forgiveness, and receive it. I know what I did was wrong. I know that it was unfair. And at the time, the magnitude of what I was asking of you hadn’t occurred to me. It just hadn’t. And it should have, but it didn’t. So that’s why when you said that you couldn’t force yourself to, I stopped. And I took it all back. Because I realized how much I was hurting you. Because I realized that’s not what I wanted from you. And when you asked me what I wanted from you, and I told you nothing, I meant it. How could I ask anything more of you at the time? You had already given me so much. And I’m sorry I didn’t see that. I lost sight of what was really important.

I meant it when I said that you didn’t deserve that. And I meant it when I said that I was sorry too. But you’ve got every right to hate me for it. And every right not to believe me. I’ve brought that on myself. And again, I’m sorry. I can’t take it back- If I could, I’d spare you the pain. I’d take it upon myself if I had to. But I can’t.

And don’t misunderstand. I don’t bear you any ill will. How could I? I owe you so much more than that. And I can’t give anything back to you because of how hurt you were by what I did. And I’m sorry about that too.

It’s just a fact of life that sometimes apologizing isn’t enough. And I’ll try to be mindful of that. I know I hurt you. And I’m sorry. I really, truly am. I don’t intend to do any of the things that you presumed I would. And I mean that. I come off as caring too much. And I take the things I care about too personally. And that’s my own character flaw I’m trying to fix. I shouldn’t have put that kind of pressure on you. Nobody deserves that. And I’m trying to fix it.

And I’m not going to pretend like I’ve somehow completely changed. That would be absurd. I still care quite a bit about the things I’m emotionally invested in. I still believe in giving something my all- just in due time now. And I’m trying to learn how to not care so much in all the wrong ways.

So, I’m sorry. I don’t expect you to forgive me.

But don’t get me wrong, if you think that I’m going to sit back and let this hold me down, and if you think that I’m going to spend forever moping over it, I won’t.

So next time you come into the room, and I’m acting natural, like nothing happened between us, don’t think it’s because I didn’t care. It’s because I care too much- and I’m trying to not show that it hurt me. Because I need to be able to be happy. I need to be myself and not the shell of me that I’ve been portraying.

Because I need to start moving in the correct direction, not wallowing in my past mistakes.

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